About

Have you ever wondered how you ended up where you are in life? Have you ever asked; How did I get here? Why did this happen to me? When will it all end? Have you ever wanted to just fall off the face of the earth? I did.

There was a time in my life when I just begged God to let me die. Truthfully, a few times. I hated my life, I hated who I was, I hated the thought of facing yet another day of faking it. My life was not a pretty place to be. It was wracked with fear, guilt, shame, self-loathing, depression and complete, utter insanity. It was ugly and I was blind to the truth of how I ended up where I was.

I had to face the harsh reality; I was the cause. I could not blame the people in my life, the things that happened to me, or even God. I was where I was because of the choices I had made. I, and I alone, was responsible.

No one really knew the depths of my despair. I was so good at concealing my pain. I lived to make sure everyone around me was happy, that their needs were met, that life was as easy as possible for them. As far as I was concerned, my life and happiness did not matter, theirs did. What I did not understand at the time was that I was desperately trying to find my happiness and joy through others and what I could do for them. Disappointment and self-loathing ran deeper through my soul as I failed. It was not my responsibility to run their lives, to fix everything for them or to make life easier for them, but I did not understand that.

There was no “me”. I could not tell you what “I” liked because it depended on what they liked. I had no favorite color, food, movie or music.

In 2004, my life began unraveling. The happy-go-lucky façade was being stripped away from me day by day, until one day, the massive structure of denial I had built, imploded. The fallout was like a slow motion movie that dumped debris on me for several months.

TTN27 400In July of 2005, I began an amazing journey of healing and self-discovery. Yes, I am the statistic. I was thirty-nine years old and had no idea of who I truly was. I didn’t know because I didn’t want to know. I did not like “me” enough to care to know. Over the years, that attitude did not serve me well and very early on, my life was catapulted into chaos.

Today, I love and respect who I am. Codependency is a tough road and there is, in my opinion, no complete recovery. It does not just disappear. It is a daily struggle but as time goes by, staying healthy and loving myself has gotten easier.

 

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50 replies »

  1. I’m 20 years old and have no idea who I really am. I spent the last 3 years focusing entirely on one person… my life has literally revolved around him since the day I met him. I thought that was what love was. But I gave up so many things about myself, I threw away a lot of opportunities, and friends, and a lot of happiness. I actually gave up my entire identity, I was a half to a whole. Now, after an unbelievable amount of pain I know I need to be my own person and learn to take care of myself.
    You are really inspiring, so thank you for being a motivation to start this journey myself.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh Amy,

    Thank you so much for you comment. As I said to you before, I can totally understand and relate to a lot of what you are going through. The last 2 days have been very difficult for me and I logged on just now (3:54 am) to post and saw your comment. You cannot even imagine how much I needed to hear that right now. It was like and instant light switch flipped on in the pit of pain I was starting to spiral in. God bless you little Angel! Please let me know if there is ever any thing I can do to support and encourage you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ms. Ethel Duck, I just found this blog by you, read through most of it and found myself admiring you for your strength and courage to face life, give it a good kick in the butt and move on. How brave you are to bare your soul and share your disappointments, anger and achievements, I truly find you an amazing woman. I’ve told you before, I was never here to take your place, I am here if you ever need me, I will be waiting to help in whatever way I can. I do not judge, or even try to understand the pains and disappointments you have gone through, but I now I understand you and admire your accompolishments. I am so proud of you.
    Audrey

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It touched my heart…what you wrote on your about page…it was almost like reading my own heart. The road to discover myself, who I really am, not the one the others wanted me to be, the desperation and the feeling of freedom, inner freedom when the masks are falling down…I know them so well…I empathize with you and I admire your inner strength and the way you know how to find your way out of the darkness.
    Thank you for following my blog, I’m honored. I think you’ll reach to s many people trough your writings and teach them to help themselves, by your beautiful example.
    Blessings of love and inspiration,
    Carissa

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I find it interesting that your healing began when you were 39 years old. I am 39 and just beginning that very same journey; a journey away from codependency and abuse towards he authentic ME. Thank you for visiting my blog!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Finding our true self is not a destination…it is a journey…our own journey. Many codependent people feel his or her own journey has left them stranded at sea with pinholes in the life boat. On our road to recovery we get so wrapped up in trying to find our “true self” that we hardly take the time to congratulate ourself for how far we have come. Soak it in take a deep breath and smile because you have touched many people. My post “Not My Problem” is my ugly past. I wish you the best.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Thank you for your encouraging words Kenderella92109! Finding myself was difficult but worth every step of the journey. And yes, the journey will never be over so I plan to enjoy, grow and celebrate all along the way. I look forward to reading more about yours. Blessings!

    Like

  8. Codependency has been a HUGE issue for me. I’ve only started confronting it the past 10 years (after my mom passed away). I identify with your words, thanks so much for sharing them! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hello! What a beautiful and painful story. I am reading this, two years into recovery and…yes, five days away from turning 39. Must be a good number 🙂 thank you for being brave enough to be and care for yourself, you are the change I pray for in my and our world.
    Take care,
    Heidi
    P.s. thank you for following my sporadic blog 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi Heidi! Thank you for your very sweet comment and following my blog. I hope you continue to read through my story and find encouragement to keep going! I’m here if you ever have questions or just want to vent. LOL…we do that you know. LOL Bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ms Duck, thank you for deciding to follow me over in my “Attic.” I was beginning to feel all those classes I took on hypnotism were going to be to no avail. However, I’m delighted to know you won’t need any of my help (being as I’m an acting charlatan) to remain the self-confident person you’ve become. I’m sure this will come as a relief to you. But, in all sincerity, I’m thrilled to count you among my followers and I just hope I don’t lead us over a cliff. Thank you, Ethel. :@)

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Well! I love the unstinting honesty of what you have told us about yourself. And I admire the courage it took to unharness yourself from the life sucking weight of codependency. It may seem easy to do when you are not the codependent but very, very hard to do when you are. I have seen a few people struggle with trying to break free. A very few actually manage it. But for you, who have done it a better future lies ahead. Bravo! ( and also thank you for the follow!)

    Liked by 1 person

  13. @”There was a time in my life when I just begged God to let me die. Truthfully, a few times. I hated my life, I hated who I was, I hated the thought of facing yet another day of faking it. My life was not a pretty place to be. It was wracked with fear, guilt, shame, self-loathing, depression and complete, utter insanity. It was ugly and I was blind to the truth of how I ended up where I was.”

    This describes how I used to feel precisely. I’m so glad we could connect:-)

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you for connecting with me! I’m so glad to see the words, “I used to feel”! Praise God! Blessings on your journey! I look forward to reading more.

    Like

  15. I could have written so much of this introduction myself! I tried to explain to someone recently that I didn’t know what my favourite colour, food, restaurant was, and it was completely incomprehensible to them. But you understand! I am still in a process of learning about myself, what I like, and what brings me joy, but I can now tell you that my favourite colour is green!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Thank you for reading Cynthia! I do understand! Do you want to know something? My favorite color is green too! Well and blue! Both colors of nature and nature brings me peace. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

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