I’m Not Getting Sucked In

I received a text message from my brother the other night. He let me know that he just got off the phone with my ex-boyfriend, M, and that M wanted my brother to give me his phone number. He explained to my brother that he was dying of cancer.

I have friends that are still in contact with M and I know he had cancer several years ago however, it is not the cancer he is dying of. He is really dying of liver failure due to his alcoholism. He just says cancer because he does not want to admit to how much he drinks. He has been turned down for a liver transplant because of his refusal to quit drinking. He now has ascites and has had to have the fluid drained from his abdomen on several occasions.

My brother says M wants to make amends and is seeking forgiveness, but to be honest, I don’t need his amends and I have forgiven long ago. I did not forgive for him, I forgave for me. I did/do not want to carry the burden of hating him and being angry every time I had a memory of him or someone mentioned him. I just don’t have the time and energy to put into that.

I have known M for almost 39 years and had our relationship not ended in threats to kill me, I’m pretty sure I would have called him. He is a manipulator so I truly don’t believe he wants to make an honest amends. His amends, in the past, have always been a form of covert manipulation and I’m just not falling into that game.

I guess I can really see how much I’ve changed. In the past, for any person that had hurt or upset me in my life, I would have not have hesitated to pick up the phone. Today, I understand how to take care of myself emotionally and not get drawn back into the drama and manipulation. Sure, I’m curious but not enough to pick up the phone. And, I am not emotionally tied to M so I really don’t care enough to be curious enough. Does that make sense?

Anyways, I won’t be calling. I don’t need or care to speak to him or hear how he’s doing. It almost bothers me that I sound so cold and heartless. Still a twinge of codependency, “bothers me that I sound so cold and heartless”. Oh well, progress.

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10 replies »

  1. Well maybe you might not agree with me, and that is fine but I couldn’t resist myself from saying what I think about this situation of yours. Forgive me if I offend you, but if M is really going to die for whatsoever reason, then how will he manipulate you now, when he himself is struggling for life, also I think shouldn’t he be listened at least. Well you just have to listen to him and maybe you have to choice to not say what you feel about him. Just keep it to yourself and let him die in peace maybe.
    Anyways this is my opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No offense taken, Vishal. Thank you for reading and commenting. At this point M is searching for a place to live and I have no plans on giving him the opportunity to ask to move back here. He threatened to kill me and my children so there is no way I need him in my life nor do I need to hear what he has to say. There is nothing he can ever say to justify the way he treated me and he has already apologized (though when you are drinking and doing drugs apologies really mean nothing). I don’t need his apology as it will not bring anything to my life and I do not owe it to him to listen. I only owe myself and I do this by setting boundaries and respecting myself and not allowing others who bring nothing to my life in. I hope that helps to clarify why I will not call or listen. Thank you again.

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  2. Thanks a lot friend for replying me. I am sorry for all the pain endured by you because of him. Wish you Kal the best for future and lots of love. I can understand the reason now. ❤️❤️❤️😊

    Liked by 1 person

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