I received a text message from my brother the other night. He let me know that he just got off the phone with my ex-boyfriend, M, and that M wanted my brother to give me his phone number. He explained to my brother that he was dying of cancer.
I have friends that are still in contact with M and I know he had cancer several years ago however, it is not the cancer he is dying of. He is really dying of liver failure due to his alcoholism. He just says cancer because he does not want to admit to how much he drinks. He has been turned down for a liver transplant because of his refusal to quit drinking. He now has ascites and has had to have the fluid drained from his abdomen on several occasions.
My brother says M wants to make amends and is seeking forgiveness, but to be honest, I don’t need his amends and I have forgiven long ago. I did not forgive for him, I forgave for me. I did/do not want to carry the burden of hating him and being angry every time I had a memory of him or someone mentioned him. I just don’t have the time and energy to put into that.
I have known M for almost 39 years and had our relationship not ended in threats to kill me, I’m pretty sure I would have called him. He is a manipulator so I truly don’t believe he wants to make an honest amends. His amends, in the past, have always been a form of covert manipulation and I’m just not falling into that game.
I guess I can really see how much I’ve changed. In the past, for any person that had hurt or upset me in my life, I would have not have hesitated to pick up the phone. Today, I understand how to take care of myself emotionally and not get drawn back into the drama and manipulation. Sure, I’m curious but not enough to pick up the phone. And, I am not emotionally tied to M so I really don’t care enough to be curious enough. Does that make sense?
Anyways, I won’t be calling. I don’t need or care to speak to him or hear how he’s doing. It almost bothers me that I sound so cold and heartless. Still a twinge of codependency, “bothers me that I sound so cold and heartless”. Oh well, progress.