Conflict and Confrontation

Today I find myself avoiding it. I know I’ve written about this before and just like before, I will face it, eventually.

This is my struggle: when there is conflict that means people are unhappy. When people are unhappy, well, it just stresses me out. Yeah I know, life is not always rainbows and butterflies. I just need to, once again, put on my big-girl panties and deal with it and I eventually will. Avoidance is temporary, until I can gather my thoughts.

You know what the real problem is? Gathering my thoughts means too much thinking. I’m trying to plan out how this conversation is going to go and thinking of all the ways that this person is going to respond/react and I’m trying to plan out my responses to her responses/reactions. It’s giving me anxiety because it does not play out well in my mind. I know I am not responsible for her feelings, responses or reactions but there is still that part of me that doesn’t want her mad at me. Not that she is currently mad at me but in my mind, by the end of our conversation, she will be.

Okay, so let me just be honest and tell you what is going on. My dad has Alzheimer’s disease as some of you who have read my previous post know. Because he worked with large artillery in the military, he has lost a lot his hearing and it is only getting worse with age. He is also losing his eyesight. The only option to help with his eyesight is to have injections in his eyes. After many months (I think 14) of these injections, Dad does not want to do them anymore. They are extremely painful and in his mind, nothing is better. From my understanding, the injections just slow the progression of the eye disease; they do not stop it nor make his eyesight any better.

I totally understand why he doesn’t want to do them anymore. After fighting with him over it for months, his wife, T, decided that if he doesn’t want them, she is not going to force him to have them. He can still rationalize and at some point, his wishes need to be respected. However, I have an aunt that is not happy about the decision so she insisted T make an eye appointment for dad so she could find out what options are available to him. Because my aunt was insistent, T did.

Well, the appointment was yesterday and since T is still recovering from surgery, my little sister, M, (who is 19) went with my aunt to the appointment. M went to be there for dad because she and her mom felt it would be better for dad so that he would have someone around him that he sees everyday and hopefully not get so confused and anxious. My aunt was not happy about this. To make a long story as short as I possibly can, things did not go well.

It got so bad that M texted T and T sent her mother and friend to go pick up M and my dad at the appointment. There were heated words and my aunt threatened to call APS because she doesn’t like the way dad is being treated. She then called me and left me a heated voicemail and blames T for dad going blind. The voicemail was 4 minutes long and she was cut off at that point.

Anyway, I need to call her back (she called a 2nd time) and I’m just so stressed about it because I agree with T. Dad does not want the injections anymore. And let me tell you, if someone wanted to stick a needle in my eye, oh helllll no! T and M take amazing care of dad! They keep him active and T is with him 24/7. Her life centers around him and making sure he is taken care of and safe. She is not stopping his eye treatments because she purposely wants him to go blind. She is respecting his wishes and he is still coherent enough to know that he doesn’t want them and why.

I don’t believe my aunt is going to be happy that I agree with T and she certainly is not going to be happy that I think T and M are taking such wonderful care of dad. So I plan all this out in my head which I need to stop doing. I have no control over her responses or her reactions. It is not up to me to make her happy and I certainly will not lie to make her feel better. I guess I just needed to write this out to wrap my head around the situation and hold myself accountable to standing my ground when the conversation does happen. Who knows, it may turn out better than I expect.

P.S. I did call but she wasn’t home.

23 replies »

  1. Oh bless your poor dad. It is a delicate situation definately. Although, when we imagine scenarios in our mind, they can seem worse then they would be in reality. You’re just going to have to be firm and direct enough to get your opinion across, yet empathetic enough to understand that she’s just concerned about him. It’s important that you inform her that you fully understand and appreciate her concern. Equally important is letting her know that it is a mutual decision from all four of you, which you’ve all come to after much thought and consideration for his well being. Now if she is still angry then there’s nothing else you can do, as you cannot control someone else’s emotions or actions. But you have full control over yours. Peacefully yet assertively state what you feel needs to be said, and then end the conversation. Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. How on earth is it even your aunt’s business to make an appointment for your dad. How does she get to have a say, any control, or have a voice in any of these decisions. She is taking away HIS right to make a choice and that is just…unbearable to even think about. He has made his choice. Maybe she needs eye injections and see how she feels about it!
    This made me furious to read, really. Here your family is doing their best and he is obviously being cared for deeply. So she gets to cause drama? Stir the pot that is already at a simmer and for what?
    I can see why this would cause stress for you to think about this confrontation. Her threats of calling someone…awful. I wouldn’t let her within a mile of him. She has overstepped. In my opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Blessings to your dad and you. I to HATE conflict. It part of being a Co. I have to have a very direct talk soon with my house guest who has been here for months after leaving her addict after 30 years and I am not looking forward to it. UGH. Love to you Terri.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. i’m so sorry your aunt is being like this. your dad is a person and t and you and em are doingall the right things, its your aunt whose being disrespectful of him and his wishes. I hope the stress has eased now. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sometimes it’s a lot easier to write a letter. I don’t know how other people feel about that, but if someone is difficult to deal with, it can keep the stress level down (for me anyway) and gives the person time to think about the situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh yes, I am a letter writer. LOL It’s easier for me to write things out without getting all flustered. I am able to communicate more clearly and accurately and not emotionally. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This is a tough one. I agree with T about the injections and I am sure your Dad is getting the best care he can. Your Aunt sounds like a tricky customer and her response to the is situation my be more about her than about your or your Mother or your Dad. Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

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