My A – Z Codependency Challenge – R

Rebound, Reliable

Rebound – Going from one relationship to the next right away to avoid the pain of a breakup.

One way I dealt with my feeling of hurt and betrayal was to rebound to the next relationship. So basically, I didn’t deal with them. For some reason, I could not be alone. Having someone, anyone, was better than being alone. If I was alone then I would be forced to deal with these feelings and that was just not okay with me.  I should have added “Avoidance” to my “A” post because I was good at avoiding having to deal with my emotions. I would rebound to anyone who showed the slightest interest in me.  My history of relationship rebounds was like a pinball machine; bouncing from one relationship to the next, never taking even the slightest break to deal with what was going on inside of me.

In all my relationships, I was reliable. If you needed anything, I was your go-to gal. It didn’t matter the toll it took on my own financial, physical, mental or emotional well-being. It was what you needed so it is what I did to help. The one time I remember being told that I was not reliable, I lost it. Yep, another one of those melt-downs but this time it was at work.

I was offered the opportunity to train for the lead position in the Accounts Payable Department which I worked in. The training was to be 6 weeks long and I worked tirelessly to complete the training which included documenting all the procedures as I went through them. Most of this documentation I did at home in the evenings so I would not have to interrupt my training during the day. During the 7th week after I completed everything I was supposed to do, my 18 month old daughter got sick. She was extremely sick for 3 days. My mother watched her the first day and my mother-in-law watched her the 2nd day, but on the 3rd day, I had to call in sick to stay home with her.

Three weeks later my manager had still not spoken to me about the promotion so I decided to stick my neck out and ask. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hi Susan, I was wondering if we could talk about the Lead promotion?

Susan: Um, the Lead promotion, I thought you knew?

Me: Knew what?

Susan: That you’re not getting it.

Me: How could I know that if you didn’t tell me?

Susan: Well, I need someone I can rely on and I don’t think I can rely on you.

Me: Is this because I took the day off when my baby was sick?

Susan: Yes.

At this point I was angry; angrier than I have ever been at any job.  I prided myself in my work and this was the ultimate slap in the face.

Me: So I take one sick day in 2 years and you say you can’t rely on me?

Susan: Yes.

Me: Well then let me tell you something, my daughter comes first in my life and if that makes me unreliable than you can take your promotion and STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!

Of course we were on a floor that consisted of all cubicles and I was not quiet when I told her to, “stick it up your ass”. Everyone heard me. I stormed back to my cubicle seething. At that point, I was expecting to get fired but I didn’t. For the next 3 weeks, the manager did not speak a word to me. If there was something she needed done, she left me a post-it note. A few weeks after that, she left the company and the director called me into her office and gave me the promotion.

Anyway, I guess that story was to say that I bent over backwards to make sure I was reliable to everyone in my life and that stuffing feelings and emotions once again, let to a very unhealthy and unexpected melt-down.  I know now there were many other ways I could have handled the situation but when you are unhealthy and at your wit’s end, you cannot see the forest through the trees.

I love that today I have to tools to deal with situations like this. I know not to react to my emotions but to take a step back and process them. Then I am able to respond in a more rational and healthy way. I also am no longer afraid to be alone because I realize that I am not alone. I have friends and family that love and support me and I do not need a “relationship” to define and fulfill me. I am in a relationship with a wonderful caring man but if things were to change, I would not need to fill a void in my life because my life is already full. My relationship is an added bonus to an already wonderful life.

8 replies »

  1. It’s so hard to balance work and family! You were plenty reliable, of course. I’m glad your company recognized that and that you’ve come so far. I enjoyed this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. R=Crazy rebound. I did it once and it was a lesson that turned my life upside down and when it was over I spent a year in Domestic Violence counseling and NOW I GET IT. Thank you for sharing your story Terri. At the end of the R it was a financially and emotionally lesson learned. I had to learn to live on my own, by myself and now I am blessed with an equal, respectful, fun and fabulous relationship. I had to learn the LESSON.

    Liked by 1 person

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