Depressed and Overwhelmed

c7343a0c967eaaea51b197f8acfb9b29I’ve had a really bad couple of weeks but I think I’m on the upswing now. Depression was sucking the life out of me and everything, I mean everything, was overwhelming me.

Monday was my first class of a 4 week series on diabetes education. I kept tearing up through the entire class. When the instructor asked each of us for one word to describe how we felt about our diabetes, I teared up and said, “Overwhelming”. I tried not to let her see the tears in my eyes and turned my head downward as quickly as I said it.

Tuesday I stopped by Lucy’s house for our weekly meeting. We started these weekly meetings to discuss our business but most of them time we discuss much more. I LOVE Lucy! She is my rock! I have to admit, I was not pleasant on Tuesday and I verbally vomited all over her. I can’t even remember what we started talking about but I started to get overwhelmed and angry. During our conversations she asked me if I felt I got my identity from blogging to which I completely disagreed. Then at some point she said it felt as if I was angry at God to which I vehemently disagreed. I know where my identity lies and I can say with complete honesty that I am not angry with God for any reason.

Then I realized where I was placing my identity the past couple of weeks and broke down. I am overwhelmed with medical issues, constant pain, and the biggest one…finances. I feel like such a failure because I am almost 50 years old and I still don’t have a grasp on my finances. I make just enough to get by but at this point in life I feel like I shouldn’t just be getting by. I want to be self supporting without ever having to borrow money. I want to buy things for my family and friends and even myself, without having to worry about what bill I won’t get to pay if I do. I don’t want to keep robbing Peter to pay Paul, and then having to rob Paul the next time to pay Peter. I don’t see an end in sight so the only thing I can do is to do what I can. So with everything else overwhelming me, I bully myself and beat myself up over this one issue in my life. I have let it temporarily define who I feel I am. A failure. A disappointment. Stupid and careless. On and on.

Lucy said a friend of ours has had me on her heart and would like to meet with me. She is a mighty prayer warrior and woman of God. She is very insightful and counsels with women who are struggling in whatever area of their life. I refused. I cried almost the entire time I was with Lucy.

Lucy’s son showed up and I decided it was time to go. He said he had blocked me in and needed to move his car and Lucy said, “That’s ok she has a couple of minutes.” I said, “No I don’t!” because I knew what was coming. I asked her son to hurry up and move his car as Lucy kept asking me to just give her one minute with her in the room. I kept saying no and turned to her son and said, “N. Move your f’ing car!”

I gave in and followed Lucy to the room for her “one minute” and I was as pissed as I could be. I can’t even tell you why. When she closed the door she said, “I just want to pray with you” to which I about bit her head off with, “I KNOW!” Poor, sweet, kind, loving Lucy.

Yep, total backslide into my codependency. I don’t want you to know how I’m feeling. I don’t want you to see me cry. I don’t want people to think I’m struggling…in any area. I don’t want you to pray for me. I don’t want to tell you my problems. Yep, I got this. I can handle it all on my own.

Wednesday my daughter and I took my granddaughter to a park and met with her kindergarten teacher. He is also a photographer and agreed to take some pictures of my granddaughter for a book cover I am trying to create. The pictures are amazing. During the session, I was starting to get unreasonably hot and nauseous. When we were all done and it was time to walk back to the cars, I was feeling so hot, dizzy and nauseous that I had to sit down. I felt like I was going to pass out. This is the 3rd time, in the past 7 months, that this king of episode has happened. Mr. H. went and got his car and drove around the park to pick us up and drive us back to ours. I was a bit embarrassed. I called my doctor’s office the next day to let him know what happened…again. More blood work on Monday. Ugh.

Well, now we get to Friday. I had my first appointment with the nurse practitioner at the endocrinologist’s office. The results from this visit were positive and I left feeling pretty good. For now, I no longer have to take insulin as she is changing up my diabetes meds. She also noticed that I was diagnosed with an enlarged heart back in 2006 that no one ever discussed with me. I told her that I saw the diagnosis on my records a few months ago and sent a message to my doctor but he never responded. I don’t like my doctor at all. She is going to look into it further for me and see if they can send me to the cardiologist. I have been to the ER several times over the years for chest pains and palpitations only to be told that I’m fine. Can you say…frustrating!? And lastly, the dreaded card handed to me with the number for Behavioral Health. UGH.

Anyway, that was my week, other than spending the rest of it in my room, hiding from everyone and pretty much life itself. I’m feeling better today and hope I’m on the upswing. We’ll see.

21 replies »

  1. Momma Im here for you! I got your back and I love you with all my heart! I can’t wait for our sunday dinners! ♡♡♡

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  2. I’m glad today is a positive day, and I’m hoping it is an upswing too! Lucy sounds very patient … can I have a lucy please? Lol

    Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hoping it is an upswing too. Between mental health problems, the problems with Diabetes it can get overwhelming. I know the feeling and I too feel the sense of unhappiness with myself for not being able to survive on my own. I am 58 and live with my dad rent free because my SSDI doesn’t cover rent and utilities. It barely covers my health and that is with help from my state to pay for medical. It isn’t easy and definitely depressing. Feel better soon and bless you.

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  4. Sorry Tessa…..it has got to be very frustrating. I really do understand everyone. I too am feeling overwhelmed and much depressed these days. I really have no family I can turn to and am forced to live with an abusive man….although he leaves me alone for the most part these days….because I cant afford to live on my own. Plus, absolutely no confidence these days. So overwhelmed. A lifetime of bad choices and then it just took over. Just feeling so defeated and feel so much like a failure. The nights before I go to bed I tell myself it will be different in the morning and then I get up and it starts all over again. I say I’m going to start out the day in prayer and I don’t know what happens…..I don’t know how to break this
    cycle.

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  5. Kimberly I am so sorry for your situation. That was me for 23 years of an abusive verbally marriage. He got the best out of the divorce and I am struggling, but I am still happier than in the divorce. I have Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder among other mental and physical problem. Life is difficult and I just came back to God recently. I pray for you to find a way out of your situation. May God bless you.

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  6. I know the Lord is my hope and he has been my rock and what has sustained me. Everyone seems to have something in their lives to overcome. We need to just keep praying for each other and lifting each other up.

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  7. Thank you Tessa for you encouragement.
    I look so forward to this blog. It has helped so much and I can relate to so many things. It has helped me see that I am a people pleaser. I am so afraid that people won’t like me if I’m not. I have experienced and lived my life in such a way that all the love given to me was always conditional. If I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing (what was wrong to them) then they would turn their back on me. Literally not talk to me for years. This has happened to me over and over….especially with the males in my life. I feel that every male in my life has let me down in some way. It has caused a depression and insecurity resulting in no confidence and the hidden anger/frustration that I read and picked up in the above blog. I am trying to get to the point of moving on….regardless! Again, my hope is in the Lord. In the mean time I have a lot to work out. I’m angry!
    @ ms. Ethal Duck. I’m wondering if the problem you had could have been an anxiety attack or I have had similar things happen when I had caffeine in the morning and not enough protein. I am so sorry for all of your physical problems. @Tessa…did you say that in spite of your financial problems you are still happier having gotten the divorce?

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  8. Yes Kimberly despite the financial problems I am happier divorced. I was married 23 years to a man I didn’t want to marry in the first place. I was 19 and coerced into marriage. I hated it. and I don’t use the term hate lightly. I usually don’t say it at all. Peace be with you and may God help you solve your problems.

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  9. Praying that you continue to be on the upswing. I had a good friend once tell me about “the valley” process: You’re either entering it, in the middle of it, or coming out of it. Just know God won’t let you CAMP there. You’re still moving through it! Hugs!

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  10. Hello dear friend! I just stopped in to see what was new and I’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough go right now. (Or recently). Sending lots of love. Trust your instincts about what you need, what makes you feel better and what makes you feel worse. Follow it like law. Be alone when you need to. Seek friends when you need to. This too shall pass. XX.

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  11. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed about…everything, to be diabetic, broke and to feel like there’s nothing to show for the 50+ years you’ve lived. I often think that it just HAS to get better and although I have crappy, negative days, I have more of the hopeful ones. You sound like your glass is more half full, than empty too.

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  12. Thank you for your comment! Yes, I have medical issues galore…RA, fibro, neuropathy, uncontrolled diabetes, high blood pressure and just diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm. I do have my bad days but I certainly don’t hang out there long. Yes, my glass is half full and I do my best to keep filling it!

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