Remember my last post, where I bragged about landing in the “Valley of Change”? Well, a tornado stuck the valley, full force, that very night. There was no warning; I never saw it coming. It hit so hard, I almost lost my sanity and peace of mind. Sleep did not come to me that night and guilt tried to creep its way back in. It was a rough storm but I made it…well, it’s almost over…I hope.
I was on a high the other day; excited for the changes I was making and the strength and courage I had shown (for the most part), but at 6:57 pm, I was brought to my knees once again. At that very moment, I received the first of what would be 18 voice-mail messages, in an hour and a half, threatening my life and injury to those in my family and my friends. It made me nauseous and I began shaking uncontrollably. Fear grabbed me in a choke-hold and I started to panic. I was instantly transported back 8 years, to the place of fear, I have been trying so hard to leave behind.
I had to leave my house that night and stay with friends. The sheriff was called out and a report was filed. “Terrorist threats” is what everyone called it. Jail time may be in the future. And so there it was, as I laid in bed that night, guilt started to creep in. My heart hurt because this is not what I wanted for this person and I’m sure, had alcohol not been involved, there would never have been a tornado. I cried as my heart hurt for what may happen to this person and for the anger I was feeling towards them. It really sucks to battle anger and compassion at the same time.
My heart and mind battled for quite some time but the mind won. There are consequences for this person’s actions and I can no longer step in and save them. That is not my responsibility. My job is to love and protect myself, my family and my friends, whether they are idle threats or not. Now, I must follow through with the restraining order. These are the consequences. It is a struggle to do the “right thing for me” when I know of the pain and suffering someone else will have to pay. I also know that I cannot tolerate being bullied anymore. That is not the woman I am today and not the way I want to live my life any longer.
I was on such a high the other day and felt so good, but today I am changing locks and feeling a little sad that I have to. It is a success and I should be proud of myself and it proves to me the growth I have made in my journey of recovery, but I do not feel so good about it tonight. All I can do at this point is protect myself and my family and pray for the other person. God loves them and I did at one time, too. I know He has a plan and I need to be sure to get out of the way.