I read a very interesting article today posted by another blogger. It is titled, “Why All Men Cheat on Loyal Women” and it is written by Ebrahim Aseem. As I read through it, I noticed myself. UGH, I hate when that happens. Yep, I was one of those “weak” women.
It made me start thinking about being a “Loyal Woman” and what that looks like. This article had some great insight and some valid points made. I realized that I need to move from being, what I think is a “loyal woman”, to being a “Woman of Worth”. As you can tell from some of my previous posts, I have struggled a bit in this area. Some days I feel it and some days I don’t. I can say though that I have not relapsed into those feelings of worthlessness in a few weeks now and I feel strong and worthy today.
Again I find myself asking, how do we get swallowed up into to this place of worthlessness? For me, I think it begins with having expectations of others and how I think they should treat me. When they don’t treat me the way I feel I should be treated, I begin to feel like maybe I’m not really worth that much and I allow them to keep treating me however they want. That comes from some deep low self-esteem issues and fears. Fear of someone walking out of my life, fear of being alone or fear of never being loved. Guess what I found out? It’s all bullshit. Just calling it like I see it for me and my life. It took a simple question to wake me up.
When I was trying to survive in the pit of hell and clinging to the destructive relationship with my ex-husband, in the midst of his drug use, I showed up at work one day with bruises on the palms of both of my hands from hitting the walls and doors the night before. A very dear friend of mine asked, “Terri, why are you doing this?” I told her that I was afraid he was going to leave. Then she posed a question that stopped me in my tracks: “So what’s the worst thing that’s going to happen if he leaves?”
I thought about it for a minute then I replied, “Well, if he leaves, I’ll be hurt,” and then I dug deep and told her, “but I’ll still have a job. I’ll still have a home. I’ll still have a car. I’ll still have my kids.”
You see, the reality was, I was letting a fear control me to the point of being irrational. If he left, life was still going to go on. I would have to deal with some emotional pain but I was not going to fall off the face of the earth if he left. Speaking it out loud put everything into perspective for me. It actually helped me to get a grip and eventually face the fear and kick him out.
I don’t want to be the weak woman any longer, living with the fear of being alone. I don’t want to keep allowing men to use me as a doormat, disrespect me, and think I should be happy to have them because I can’t get another man. I don’t want to live for someone else and have nothing left in me. So, guess what? I WON’T!
I am worth so much more than that. I have to keep reminding myself of this because I am the only one who can believe it for me. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or believes; I have to think and BELIEVE it for myself. I have to KNOW it in my head and in my heart. Yes, I get tons of compliments and kudos everyday and they mean the world to me, but unless I start believing them for myself, my life will never change. The notes on the mirror are increasing and yes, they help me to refocus, and they do make me feel good. If that’s what it takes to help me remember who I am, then that’s what I’ll keep doing.