Let’s be real…I am who I am and I love who I am today.
Still, I sometimes struggle with what others think about me when I know I shouldn’t. Not too often anymore but like anything else, there are those low times. I know it stems from the conflicts within my own self at times of who and what I am or have done. That’s when I take it back to my Lord and Savior and lay it at His feet.
Yes, I am a Christian. No, I am not perfect or better than anyone else. I still have a sinful nature and sometimes it’s a battle I lose and sometimes it’s a battle I win. I can be judgmental and critical. I can swear like a sailor and yes, I sometimes do. I can be selfish and self-centered (I know, hard to believe codependents can, but they can.) and sometimes controlling. I can go on and on about my character defects. I know that people judge by these defects of character and most times I judge myself by these faults. I don’t need any help in that area.
Most people would not know of these thing because I try my hardest to not show them. You know how that goes…I’m a codependent and don’t want anyone to know how I feel or fail. I put on my best facade so no one finds out about my imperfections or when I feel I’m being swallowed up by life. On those rare occasions when the facade fails and I just can’t hold it up, I hide. I isolate. I don’t want anyone to see or know what is going on in my chaotic life. I don’t want them to know my pain or anger. I don’t want to hear them tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. I don’t want them to judge me for what I did or didn’t do or how I feel or don’t feel. I don’t want to open a door for one more little inconvenience, criticism or pain.
However, the reality is that this is unhealthy. I do have very close and safe friends and I do have people in my life that will support me in whatever I am going through and I do not need to go through it alone. If I know who I am in Christ and I know in my heart how much He truly loves and cherishes me, then it really doesn’t matter what others think. So, if by chance, I let someone see the real me and they judge me for it…it really doesn’t matter because I know the truth…God loves me unconditionally and that is so much more powerful than what anyone else could ever think of me.