Someone recently asked me how I deal with my “qualifier” drinking now. When we met, he wasn’t drinking and was actively participating in his recovery. He has now been drinking for 9 months and it is not up to me to get him to stop.
The simplest answer I have for this question is, I live. I go about my day and do what I have to do to enjoy my life. I watch my granddaughter several days a week and I am running my own Virtual Assistant business, which by the way is really starting to take off. My focus is on loving my family and growing my business. That is where my energy is spent. I get out and do things I want to do with friends and family and do not sit at home because he wants me to or doesn’t want to go with me.
My life does not stop to center and focus on what he is or isn’t doing and how can I help him. Many years of recovery and I now understand that in the codependent mind, we think: if we help them, we can change them. I don’t have the time or energy for that. I love him where he’s at and stay on my own side of the street. I can still love him (and do) but I do not have to engulf myself in his addiction. There are days when I am sad about the way things are but I try not to dwell in them. I find something to do or think of things I need to do to move forward in life and be happy. It has become much easier over the years.
My wish for anyone struggling with codependency or any kind of addiction in your relationships, is that you find a way to take care of yourself first; that you are able to experience that peace and happiness even if it is only for a brief period of time. When you start feeling the anxiety, sadness, stress, etc. caused by the addiction of your loved-one, back up and think of what you need to do to grab that peace and then do it. It gets easier every time.